I am writing in a very small window of time called morning nap. It's already been in progress for awhile. Sweet Jillian. My 11 month old. Cause for mommy tears these days. Recap: born early and little; calcified placenta; mom was group b strep positive so antibiotics at birth; jaundice; then lots of eczema (had never seen it before on the boys); at 4 months - bacterial skin infection; trip to urgent care because of allergic reacion - one ear twice the size of the other; skin reactions to food; found out she had a systemic yeast infection since birth - treated with heavy meds and creams - seems to have improved; but reoccuring bouts with the eczema (like this morning, her whole face is red). And to top it all off: 11 months and not crawling - We anticipate a referal for therapy on Monday when we meet with the pediatrician.
To run along side this narrative: Sweet Jillian - we love You SO much! Precious doesn't begin to describe You. You are so beautiful (when mommy isn't freaking out about the red patches). Born into a house with 2 crazy active boys that knock you over, take your toys, and squish you. You are such a good sport. I wish I had more time to focus just on you. Could I help you crawl if I wasn't so distracted with so many things? the boys? the diet changes? myself? Mommy feels guilty a lot because of lots of things. Maybe I should have lost extra weight before your pregnancy and my blood pressure wouldn't have varied (did that affect your placenta?). Mommy wants to know terribly what it is that's bothering your skin. If I knew, I would get rid of it in a heartbeat (whether it was in your diet or mine). Oh, Jillian. I want to take away everything that ails you. Slap the red spots all over my skin.
Father, please help me to process this. We love the baby girl you have given to us. Thank you. She belongs to You. You knit her together in my womb. She is fearfully and wonderfully made. All the days ordained for her were written in Your book before one of them came to be. "Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God..." Col 1:1. You know the plans that You have for this baby girl plans to prosper her and not to harm her, plans to give her hope and a future. And those "plans" include the journey, including this time of infancy with distressed skin and missing milestones.
I get so worried about what I've done (or am doing) wrong... Father, if there is something else to be done, PLEASE, I beg of You... let me know what it is! Make it crystal clear and I'll be there. I'll be on it. But if now is for waiting and trusting You, then please, help me to do so. "Yes, Lord, I believe. Please help my unbelief!" Please help me to step back and trust You! YOU are the Sovereign God over Jillian. You have Your reasons. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Is 55:8-9 Yes, different thoughts. I would give Jillian porcelain perfect skin. I would have her beating all of the other babies in her milestones, not lagging behind. But Your thoughts are higher than mine. "In a man's heart, He plans His course, but the Lord determines His steps." Prov 16:9 Can I trust Your wisdom and goodness?
There are definitely trust issues. But I have pride issues also. What of this is pride? "I would do things differently, God." That sounds like pride. I want my children to be the best and have the best in all things (pride). I remember feeling so 'proud' when the boys took to their feet at 10 and 9 months. What parts of this struggle are self-exalting and need to be repented of in that way? Why is it that I don't want to admit to people who ask that Jillian is 11 months old? (she looks so little, and isn't moving on her own)
A friend of mine has challenged me with the thought that we (parents) are not responsible for how smart, good looking, talented, etc, etc our children are. That is completely up to the Lord. Rather, we are solely responsible to love them, take care of them and lead them in the ways of the Lord. I told her "I do want my children to love the Lord and be used by Him. But preferably as the president of the United States or a star NFL quarterback." "But the LORD said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.'" I Sam 16:7
The boys are in from playing in the snow. Must break to make hot cocoa.